Martha Beck

Then, around 2:00 p.m., I suddenly ate three cupcakes, two cans of Diet Coke, and toast. You know there’s something seriously wrong when you follow up cupcakes with toast.

Pundimania: Actually caring what is said by televised political pundits. Leads to rage, profanity, brain erosion, sleep crime, and the catastrophic failure of all relationships.

Birkenstockholm Syndrome: Spending so much time at meditation retreats that you begin to accept hemp clothing as formal wear.

Recovering Religious Renunciate Rebound Regression (RRRRR): Affects anyone who once gave up large chunks of personality in an attempt to be loved by weird religious definitions of God. Under pressure, the patient snaps back into believing that s/he will be smitten with boils for using the word “damn.”

I am reminded of a time I gave a speech in one of the Carolinas—I don’t remember which Carolina, because I was speaking so often during that period that all 50 states blend together. I was tired and jetlagged, and my speech—how shall I say—sucked, sucked, sucked.

Last week, an emergency vet gave us morphine and bad news (which as far as I’m concerned should always be offered in tandem).

Anyone wanna spend some time here? Alone?

World's best undiscovered comedian. She writes self-help books about North Stars. What a waste.